What to Do About Teens and Tech
September is here, which means summer is in the rearview mirror, school is underway, and we’ve had some time to feel grounded in what the new year is going to bring.
I spent the summer taking in the sunlight, walking outside, and thinking about teens and technology. After listening, reflecting, and diving into new research about teen brains and tech, here are my biggest takeaways:
What I am Learning about Teens and Tech
1. Tech is not all good or all bad
While we are all anxious about “the anxious generation”, the truth is that there is no one-size-fits-all answer about whether tech helps or harms our kids (spoiler: it’s probably both and it definitely depends).
When evaluating screens, we need to consider multiple factors: time spent online vs. on social media, what are they doing and with whom, and crucially - what they are not doing (like sleeping, playing, creating and tolerating discomfort). We also need to look at the bigger picture: relationships, mood, functioning, school, activities and health.
I wish I had a simple, clear answer for you, but…
2. It’s not just teens, we need to look at ourselves too
There is a lot of focus and blame on teen screen use. While developing brains do need extra care and protection, adults struggle with technology just as much. Any conversation about rules and guidelines should address everyone’s use of technology. This also helps teens feel less targeted and judged and more open to feedback.
3. The longer we can wait, the better
Research consistently shows that the longer kids wait to get on social media, interact with AI or spend large amounts of time on screens, the better. This is similar what we know from alcohol research - the later teens start drinking, the lower their addiction risk. The reason? Brain development.
Adolescence is a time of massive brain renovation. Judgement, impulse control and emotion regulation are all still maturing, and these skills are exactly what endless scrolling can disrupt. Sleep is also non-negotiable, both for optimal current functioning and for long-term emotional and physical health. If screens are delaying bedtime or disrupting sleep, it’s essential to step in.
4. We can change our minds
It is never too late to reassess family tech policies. Even if you’ve already given a platform or a privilege, you can revise or pull back (keep reading for tips on how to do this). That may not be popular or well-received, but our job as parents is creating structure and guidelines that keep kids safe and healthy.
5. We can’t do it alone
It’s easy to feel alone and overwhelmed as parents, and it’s easy to feel locked in conflict with our teens, especially around tech. We must not shy away from tackling these issues head on in our homes – by having tough conversations and setting firm boundaries – AND we also cannot do this in isolation. Parents benefit from support from other parents, which is why pledges like Wait Until 8th are so impactful. We also need tech companies to step up and our government to have more oversight when it comes to social media, AI, algorithms and childhood development.
Talking with Teens about Tech
1. Validate, but be clear and firm
You’ve heard the pleas, “Everyone else has Snapchat!” or “No one texts anymore”. These arguments can feel convincing, but remember: just because others are doing something doesn’t mean it’s right for your family.
Try responses like:
· “I know it feels hard and you may feel left out.”
· “Our family makes decisions that protect your health and your brain, even when they are unpopular.”
· “I’m sorry our family values sometimes make being a teen harder for you.”
· “I’ll always listen to your thoughts and feelings. I/we may revisit this, but I can’t promise we’ll change.”
2. Use science and data
Let teens know this is not about being strict, it’s about what we’re learning. Ten years ago we had no research on how phones impact sleep, mood, learning or self-esteem. Now we do. Invite them into an experiment: “What if we try …… for a week and see how your sleep or energy or mood changes?”
Teens respond to real information and genuine concern for their own well-being. They really care about themselves and their futures. Give them the chance, they may surprise you.
3. Ask them what they think
Teens are more receptive and open when they feel heard and empowered. Instead of assuming their experience, ASK genuinely. You’ll learn a lot about what they like to like and dislike, what they think you misunderstand, and what ideas they have for their own consumption and behaviors.
Try asking:
· “What do you like about social media?”
· “What feels stressful about technology?”
· “What do you think I don’t understand about your use of your phone/social media/AI?”
· “What ideas do you have for how to use your phone in a healthier way?”
I’ve had fascinating conversations with my teens about phones in the bathrooms, location sharing, posting pictures, and consent. If our goal is to empower teens to make thoughtful tech (and life) decisions, then we need to give them opportunities to think critically, discuss respectfully, make some mistakes, and learn from these experiences.
Some Basic Guidelines to Consider
1. No Tech in the bedroom overnight (protects sleep)
This means phones but also school computers and tablets.
2. Screen-Free Zones – for Everyone (creates room for conversation, connection, and mindfulness)
Kitchen tables, bathrooms, beds, and the car can all be phone-free places, again, for everyone.
3. Regular Tech Breaks (downtime for connection, creativity and stillness)
It may take time for our brains to adjust - there is increasing understanding of the neurotransmitters (specifically dopamine) that are involved in screen use. But it’s important to build this tolerance. And if you take regular tech breaks as a family, you will hopefully have more fun and improve your relationships.
Final Thoughts
There’s no perfect formula when it comes to teens and tech. Each kid, family and circumstance is unique. What matters most is staying in conversation, modeling balance ourselves, and adjusting as we learn together.
We won’t get it all right – but by keeping our values clear and our communication open, we’re setting the stage for healthier habits, stronger connections and more resilient kids.
